Fine at school, falling apart at home

It is called masking, or camouflaging: consciously or unconsciously performing the behaviour expected of a non-autistic child. Controlling facial expressions, managing eye contact, holding still, suppressing the movements that would help them regulate, monitoring reactions to noise and light all day.

The National Autistic Society describes distressed behaviour as "often only expressed when it can't be held in any longer or when the individual feels safe enough". That is the whole mechanism in one sentence. School is where it is held; home is where it is safe enough to stop holding.

It costs enormously. One autistic person quoted by the NAS puts it as: "When I am masking the vast majority of my brain function is going to that masking." Six hours of that leaves nothing for the walk home.

The NAS is explicit that different behaviour at school and at home reflects masking rather than parental failure, and that professionals should avoid parent-blaming when they see that split. One professional quoted there puts it bluntly: masking "creates a dichotomy between home and school behaviours and leads to parent blame".

If you have sat in a meeting being told your child is fine here, and left wondering what you are doing wrong at home - that reaction is documented, it is common, and it is backwards. The collapse happens at home because home is the safe one.

Expect nothing of the first half hour. No questions about the day, no homework, no negotiations. The most useful thing you can offer is a period where nothing is required.

Ask nothing that needs a sentence. "Was it a good day?" is a demand for performance from someone who has just spent six hours performing. Sit near them instead.

Let the regulating behaviour happen. Movement, noise, the same programme again, the same food. What looks like regression is usually recovery.

Feed them early. A great many four o'clock collapses are also low blood sugar wearing a costume.

And say the thing out loud, once: "You held it together all day. You do not have to here."

A child who masks all day is a child whose difficulties are invisible to the people deciding what support they get. The NAS notes masking is a major barrier to being identified at all.

It is worth telling school what the evening looks like, in writing, without expecting them to have seen it themselves. You are not contradicting their observation - you are supplying the half they cannot see.

Nothing here needs a diagnosis attached to it. A child who is spending the school day holding themselves together deserves the accommodation whether or not anyone has written it down yet.